How is My Drive to ‘Do Grief Right’ Making This Season Harder & What Happens if I Loosen My Grip?

For many of us who have lost someone or something recently or in the distant past, this time of year might feel a bit different… maybe mixed with some ebbs and flows of cheer and excitement, warmth and love, yet also sadness, weeping, and possibly even anger. As you just closed the chapter of year-end holiday celebrations, with all the twinkly lights, special food & festivities, approaching a new year might feel a bit uneasy and unsettling as it’s started without that person (again or for the first time) or that thing. It doesn’t feel ‘right’ and not entirely fair. Whether this is your first time dealing with this degree of loss or it seems all too familiar, is there truly a way to GET IT RIGHT? To make it less painful, less daunting, less… real. 

Depending on how we approach other areas of our lives, potentially falling on the more strategic and structured side of things, grief might feel like another item on our to-do or checklist. Around this time of year, the world demands renewal, clarity & forwardness, yet grief doesn’t seem to fit nicely into these expectations, making this time feel heavier or as if you’re falling behind. You think “I should be further along by now, I need to be productive again, other people have survived worse, why am I still struggling, or if I just do this right, it will stop hurting so much!” Wanting to do grief right might look like reading all the books, comparing your grief timeline to others, or pushing yourself to be grateful or resilient too soon. What you think is coping might just be masking fear, such as “if I don’t manage this well, I’ll fall apart” or “if I slow down, I’ll never recover.” What’s important to know here though is grief is not a task to complete, it’s a relationship you’re learning to live with. If approached like a task, a few things can happen. 

1. You become hyperaware of what’s “wrong” with you. The more you focus on what you believe are your shortcomings, the breeding ground for shame develops when the grieving emotions linger and anxiety when they change unexpectedly. 

2. Your nervous system does not truly rest (reference to blog post #1). Rest becomes effortful as you evaluate if you’re resting correctly, healing efficiently, or feeling the right way. 

3. Grief becomes lonely. If you believe there is a right way to grieve, you’re probably less likely to share the messier emotions and feel unseen even if surrounded by support. 

This is where loosening the grip on grief can serve as more productive and beneficial than the other ways we think we need to grieve. It doesn’t mean giving up, spiraling, or wallowing, but instead shifting from control to curiosity. 

Instead of keeping tabs on your progress, gently notice patterns or times of the day that might feel heavier, environments that soothe you, moments when your body softens. 

Instead of needing emotional clarity, allow for contradiction. You can miss someone deeply and also still experience laughter and joy, gratefulness and anger at the same time. 

Grief becomes quieter, not disappearing, but is no longer fighting against your unrealistic expectations for it. 

If we consider trees for example, they do not bloom through effort. They rest, shed and trust an unrushed process through time. Grief in turn, requires the same: less forcing, more allowing. When you stop trying to do it correctly, you will notice that your body will start to tell you what it needs. It doesn’t mean you’re failing, you’re actually listening. 

At this point, hopefully it’s more clear that it’s not about doing it ‘right,’ but doing it ‘well.’ A few last points to help:  

• Be honest about your limits.

• Allow variations in your emotions without jumping to meaning-making.

• Treat yourself with the same compassion you offer others.

• Let some things remain unfinished. 

Grief does not need to be perfected or fixed, just witnessed. And when you loosen the grip on it, this season might become a bit easier, softer, more humane, and more aligned with the truth of what it means to be a human dealing with loss. 

Being in therapy can be a great way to process through and move towards this perspective shift and joining a local in-person or virtual grief support group. Check out: www.griefshare.org for local or virtual groups to connect and share with those who are on a similar journey!